Setelletum
by Rita Screecher
Summary: A "harmless" prank goes wrong…especially for Neville Longbottom.


Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The challenge sentences were taken from "The Beginning Exchange" thread at FictionAlley Park; here's the site if you're interested in reading or posting sentences: http://www.fictionalley.org/fictionalleypark/forums/showthread.php?s=&thread id=5685  
  
A/N: This is a response to the following challenge:  
  
Pick 3 out of the following 4 sentences to insert anywhere in the fic. It must make sense; no random inserting. Try to refrain from modifying them.  
  
***  
  
Harry later realized, upon quiet reflection, that it had not been wise to welcome Mad-Eye Moody back from his three month stint in St. Mungo's Mental Ward by jumping from behind a door and shouting "Boogah Boogah Boogah!"  
  
***  
  
There were some things the human mind was just not built to handle. Lord Voldemort in a floral bikini was at the top of the list.  
  
***  
  
"Ninety-four bottles of butterbeer on the wall," sang Snape, "Ninety- summin' bottles of stuff. If one of 'em [hic] fingies should happen to fall, forty-seven bottles of - hang on. 'ere, what're you lookin' at, Peasley? Wotter?"  
  
"Professor, if you don't stop coming back from the pub without your trousers you're going to get fired, you know?"  
  
***  
  
Hermione looked up from the enormous tome. "The spell doesn't wear off for at least a day. It looks like you three are just going to have to get used to being girls."  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*  
  
Setelletum  
  
By Rita Screecher  
  
Harry later realized, upon quiet reflection, that it had not been wise to welcome Mad-Eye Moody back from his three month stint in St. Mungo's Mental Ward by jumping from behind a door and shouting "Boogah Boogah Boogah!" Ron had been with him during the unfortunate incident, as well as Neville. It seemed like a harmless prank at the time. When the three saw that Moody was back at Hogwarts, looking tired but crazy as ever, they decided that they wanted to meet the real Moody for once; see what he was like. They waited behind the door of the Great Hall before breakfast, and when Moody came in, Ron jumped out and shouted the unfortunate greeting. Moody jumped about a mile, screamed, "Setelletum!" and pointed his wand at Ron. Harry and Neville by now had also jumped out from behind the door to join Ron in greeting Moody. However, this only got them hit by the spell as well. Moody, seeing that his spell had worked perfectly, strode on into the Hall placidly as though nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Harry, Ron, and Neville looked down at themselves, then at each other in horror, and screamed. They ran, almost unthinkingly, for the only person they knew they could trust to help them, while not laughing hysterically at them: Hermione.  
  
***  
  
Hermione laughed at them anyway. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she shrieked hysterically, "I always knew guys were in touch with their feminine side, no matter how much they denied it, but really…"  
  
Harry looked at her, his arms crossed over his now rather voluptuous chest. "Stop!" he said finally, interrupting her in mid-sentence. "We get the point! Haha, yes, this is all so funny. Now help us change back!"  
  
Hermione gave one last chuckle and wiped her eyes. Then she settled down and became businesslike.  
  
"What was the spell? Do any of you remember what it was? Or were you too busy feeling your own –"  
  
"I remember it," Ron cut her off hurriedly. "He said something like Setellum."  
  
"It wasn't Setellum," Neville argued. "It was Stetellum."  
  
"No, it was Stetelletum!" Harry joined in the argument. Their high- pitched voices increased in volume angrily. Hermione quietly left somewhere in the middle of the argument. When she returned five minutes later, holding a huge, dusty looking book, the three were now clawing at each other's eyes. Hermione sat down in one of the armchairs in the common room, balancing the book on her lap carefully. She watched them fight for a few minutes in amusement, then started searching for the spell.  
  
Finally, rubbing her eyes tiredly, Hermione looked up from the enormous tome. "The spell doesn't wear off for at least a day. It looks like you three are just going to have to get used to being girls."  
  
The three stopped fighting and turned to look at her in amazement, fright, anger, and embarrassment. It was quite an interesting look.  
  
"Oh, and by the way, all three of you were wrong," she went on. "The spell was Setelletum." She got up and strode out of the common room to return the book to the library. There was a moment of silence as the three watched her leave. Then Harry, still looking in the direction Hermione had left, said in a rather pouty voice, "I was close."  
  
"No, I was!"  
  
"You liars! I was the closest!"  
  
Needless to say, robes were torn in the fight that ensued.  
  
***  
  
When the three "girls" walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts later that day, they were greeted with a hearty chuckle from Moody and uncontrollable hysteria from the rest of the class. Apparently Moody had told them what had happened.  
  
"That'll teach you to mess with me," Mad-Eye said in satisfaction. "Yes, I have fond memories of that spell…it's one of my favorites, you know. No, Granger, this will not be on the exams."  
  
Hermione put her hand down.  
  
"Setelletum…" The class could have sworn they saw a misty look come over Moody. He began sniggering.  
  
"Yes, one of my favorite memories of that spell is that little skirmish with Voldemort a few years before he tried to kill Potter over here…" He said this so offhandedly, Harry noticed a bit sullenly, as though someone trying to kill him was some mundane, everyday occurrence.  
  
"Haha, yes…" Moody went on. "The spell even transformed his robes…I believe into a flower-print bikini…"  
  
The class winced. There were some things the human mind was just not built to handle. Lord Voldemort in a floral bikini was at the top of the list.  
  
"You could hear the screams from miles away," Moody said, smiling, still with that misty look on his face. The class wondered if the screams had come from Voldemort or the people who could see him.  
  
"Now then," Moody said briskly. "Let's get on with the lesson, shall we?"  
  
***  
  
By the end of the day, the entire school had heard of Harry, Ron, and Neville's predicament. The Hufflepuffs were unbearably sympathetic, and showered them with apologies and, funnily enough, "Get-Well-Soon" cards. The Gryffindors thought the whole thing was a hoot. The Ravenclaws were sympathetic, but unlike the Hufflepuffs, they tried to figure out ways to help them get out of the spell. Some kept following them, shouting out various remedies: "Have you tried kissing your elbow?" The Slytherins either snickered uncontrollably whenever the three passed by or winked and wolf-whistled. Ron was sure that his (her?) face was permanently red. Harry had to restrain himself from strangling Draco Malfoy, who kept smirking, "Hey there, baby…want to hang out some time?" whenever he saw Harry. Neville, on the other hand, was too busy worrying about his grandmother's reaction to the news to pay any attention to the Slytherins.  
  
Sure enough, two days later, Neville (who had turned back into himself the day before) received a letter. An owl swooped in at breakfast and perched on his shoulder. Neville untied the letter carefully and fed the splendid bird some of his bacon. The owl swallowed the meat, ruffled its feathers once, then swooped off silently. Ron and Harry, who had also turned back by now, were sitting on either side of Neville.  
  
"What's it say?" Ron said curiously, trying to read the parchment.  
  
"Nothing," Neville said hastily, attempting to push Ron away. Harry was peering over Neville's other shoulder.  
  
"It's from his grandmother," he said to Ron. Neville blushed and got up quickly from the table. He rushed out of the Great Hall to seek refuge in his dorm room.  
  
"What's with him?" Ron said, absentmindedly blotting the grease from his slice of bacon with a napkin.  
  
"What's with you?" Harry said, staring at Ron. "Why are you getting rid of the grease?"  
  
Ron looked down, finally realizing what he was doing. "Damn," he said with feeling. "Seems like even though we're guys again, the girl stuff still lingers." He stuffed the bacon in his mouth and reached for another slice of buttered toast, as though determined to show that he was not watching his weight.  
  
***  
  
Neville opened the letter up in the privacy of his dorm. He was not looking forward to reading what his grandmother had to say about the matter. Finally, he read the letter, groaning as he went.  
  
Dear Neville,  
  
When I heard the news, I was absolutely devastated for you…at first. I'm sure your classmates gave you lots of grief over being, well, a girl. However, dear, if you are more comfortable being a girl, I'm fine with it. I know that last year you tried to tell me that you were gay (Whaaaaaaat? Neville thought, staring at the page. Then he remembered last year he tried to break the news that he failed Potions to his grandmother lightly, and his grandmother interrupted him halfway through his spiel and said, "Dear, I will support you through anything." Neville thought she was talking about failing classes, but apparently…), and I support you in whatever decision you make. I've bought a few books on sex change, which I will be sending to you in a few days, and I've asked around and discovered a few gay-straight alliances for you to join.  
  
Don't be uncomfortable with your sexuality, Neville! Announce it to the world!  
  
  
  
Your loving, supportive grandmother,  
  
Rose Longbottom 


End file.
